Some more angry/angsty poetry below the cut:

This plague of self-doubt is not worth it
Debilitating, self-doubt that kills dreams
Why didn’t I actually write anything last night
And how does this keep happening to me?
Haha maybe I really do have a severe brain injury…
Is it sad that that actually wouldn’t surprise me?
Am I lazy, or am I ill, or am I just disorganized
Lazy: not, methinks, due to evidence
Which supports otherwise, give me something specific
And physical and I can do it if I apply myself
Which is clearly the problem with me, eh?
Intentions go away and dreams die
Oh look I’m repeating myself again.
Epic. Fail. Why is it always me who
Has to deal with all this crap God?
Oh wait… is this punishment for
Not using my brain all through
Public school? I blame the system.
Not thinking clearly is turning into my
Norm. Someone stop this progression,
Please? Argh I need a good kick (but
Not on my head, apparently that is
Screwed up enough, thanks!) Or maybe
I need to just help myself here? Yeah,
I’l try that. But for now this poem has
No happy ending.

Sorry about needing to click to see it.  This is the only way I could think of to actually get the proper margins and spacing.  Anyways, here it is: 

Sooooo, this is a meme I stole from Gunfighter1 whose blog I found while I was procrastinating.  Needless to say, I thought I’d add it here.  Things I’ve done are crossed off.  Lol I like my original and follow-up list better.

1. Started your own blog 
2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii 
5. Watched a meteor shower 
6. Given more than you can afford to charity 
7. Been to Disneyland/world 
8. Climbed a mountain (does Mount Vesuvius count?)
9. Held a praying mantis 
10. Sang a solo 
11. Bungee jumped 
12. Visited Paris 
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (boondoggle and origami)
15. Adopted a child 
16. Had food poisoning (Every time I eat at Fribley!)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty 
18. Grown your own vegetables 
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 
20. Slept on an overnight train 
21. Had a pillow fight 
22. Hitch hiked 
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 
24. Built a snow fort 
25. Held a lamb 
26. Gone skinny dipping 
27. Run a Marathon 
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 
29. Seen a total eclipse (It was kind of hazy that night, but I saw it still!)
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 
31. Hit a home run 
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person 
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 
35. Seen an Amish community 
36. Taught yourself a new language 
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (because, when you’re five, $10.00 is enough)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 
39. Gone rock climbing 
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 
41. Sung karaoke 
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt 
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant 
44. Visited Africa 
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 
46. Been transported in an ambulance 
47. Had your portrait painted 
48. Gone deep sea fishing 
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 
52. Kissed in the rain 
53. Played in the mud 
54. Gone to a drive-in theater 
55. Been in a movie (home videos count, yes?)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China 
57. Started a business 
58. Taken a martial arts class 
59. Visited Russia 
60. Served at a soup kitchen 
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies 
62. Gone whale watching 
63. Gotten flowers for no reason 
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma 
65. Gone sky diving 
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 
67. Bounced a check 
68. Flown in a helicopter 
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy 
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial 
71. Eaten Caviar 
72. Pieced a quilt 
73. Stood in Times Square 
74. Toured the Everglades 
75. Been fired from a job 
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 
77. Broken a bone 
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle 
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person 
80. Published a book 
81. Visited the Vatican 
82. Bought a brand new car 
83. Walked in Jerusalem 
84. Had your picture in the newspaper 
85. Read the entire Bible 
86. Visited the White House 
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 
88. Had chickenpox 
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury 
91. Met someone famous 
92. Joined a book club 
93. Lost a loved one 
94. Had a baby 
95. Seen the Alamo in person 
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake 
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone 
99. Been stung by a bee

The first screenplay for my screenwriting class.  It sucks pretty badly, but I thought I’d share it anyways.  Feel free to read it/use it/fix it/do whatever with it!  Sorry that the formatting is way off, but I’m too lazy to fix it right now.

Scene 1-Int day

 

We see a young man in his early 20’s, JOE hunched over his computer screen, typing feverishly.  From the angle the viewer can also see that there is a young woman, also early 20’s, IZ, standing in the doorframe, watching him type.

 

Joe

 

(to himself, rambling)

 

Almost there… just gotta finish this scene.  It’s gonna be perfect.  Yup, gonna be just perfect…

 

(trailing off)

 

 

IZ watches him amusedly for a few seconds, a smirk slowly  forming on her face. Several times she opens her mouth to speak, but stops as his monologue continues.  She waits for him to

 

IZ

 

(kindly, like one would speak to a child)

 

Joe, what are you trying to prove?  We believe that you have the talent… just give yourself a couple years to grow into it.  You can’t expect results in a day.

 

joe

 

(with a sigh and an expression that says he’s heard this from her before)

 

No, Iz, I need to finish this now.  After so many rejections, this novel is gonna sell… and sell big.  I’m telling you, Iz, they’re gonna love it.  No publisher is going to be able to say no!

 

Fade into:

 

Scene 2-INT night

 

JOE is hunched over his computer screen, still typing.  The only way we can tell any time has passed is the pile of crumpled up papers in his garbage can next to his desk.

 

JOE

 

So close… so tired…

 

He sighs deeply and puts his head in his hands, then jerks himself awake to type some more…

 

joe

 

No sleeping… must keep writing…

 

cut to:

 

Scene 3-int day

 

JOE is once again hunched over his computer screen, but this time the garbage can is empty and IZ sits next to him.  She is helping him, pointing out things on the screen.

 

IZ

 

Now, if you just change this paragraph here, you might have room for more character development in the next chapter.

 

JOE

 

That is my character development!

 

IZ

 

Making your characters make peanut butter and jelly is your idea of character development?  Wow.

 

JOE

 

(grudgingly conceding)

 

I guess it could use a change.  It’s good to have a fresh set of eyes.  Thanks!

 

Fade into:

 

Scene 4-int Day

 

JOE sitting by his computer, which is off, but now he has a small beard.  He is holding a copy of his manuscript in one hand and a manila envelope in the other.  It is obvious that several months have passed.

 

JOE

 

It’s ready to submit, I know it is!  You’re just trying to keep me down, Iz.  I  can’t work with you over my shoulder anymore!

 

IZ

 

(hurt, but not surprised)

 

I have told you many times, Joe: you can’t let your whole life ride on just one novel.  And you can’t let that get in between us.

 

JOE

 

Us?  There never was an “us.” You are so controlling… it was always about you, you, you…

 

IZ

 

(walking out the door)

 

Good-bye Joe.  I hope you get what you want.

 

slowly fade into:

 

Scene 5-EXT day

 

A fully bearded JOE walks out to his mailbox to collect his mail and finds a small envelope.  Close-up on the return address says “Hertting Publishing Company.”  He rips open the envelope eagerly and reads the first sentence out loud:

 

JOE

 

“We regret to inform you…”

 

He can’t finish the rest.  His eyes begin to water and he chokes up.  He sits down on his front porch steps and hunches over, sobbing silently into his cupped hands.

 

PAN up:

 

THE END

That’s the first step, right?  Admitting you have a problem?  Well there you have it.  Admitted.

I found myself writing poetry in physics class today as I reflected upon some of my successes (but mostly on my failures) in accomplishing my list of resolutions, goals, and plans for this year.  It started with “I fell off the train” because I remembered a similar phrase being used to describe alcoholics who kick the habit, but then start back up again.  I still don’t know the exact phraseology, but it worked for my metaphor, so I kept it.

i fell off the train

the train ran over me

i got up

-slowly-

just to see

the train slowed down for me

i ran and i ran

as fast as i can

intending to all over

start again

but there’s so much ground

along the way

i must make it up

and also pay

the price for falling 

though it’s over and done

and while I wish to death

the battle i’ve won,

sadly but truly

it’s only just begun…

Aside from simply writing more often, I would also like to read a lot more.   I would like to actually be able to consider myself a prolific reader once again.  So here are two lists: one from SFBC and one I made up myself. Note I crossed off books I’ve already read on the SFBC list  When I finish each book, I’ll come back here and cross it off, putting the date I finished it in parenthesis next to it.

My Personal List:

1. Old Man’s War, John Scalzi
2. Agent to The Stars, John Scalzi
3. Dancing Barefoot, Wil Wheaton
4. The Tales of Beedle the Bard, JK Rowling
5. Twilight, Stephanie Meyer
6. New Moon, Stephanie Meyer
7. Breaking Dawn, Stephanie Meyer

The rest are below the cut:

The SFBC List of 50 most influential novels written between 1953 and 2002

Resolutions:

1. go to every class (with very few exceptions, which need to be preapproved by me)
2. go to bed by midnight except for weekends on call… then it switches to 1:00
3. run 6 days a week
4. run 35+ miles each week
5. 50 crunches/other appropriate exercise every night & morning
6. do something creative every day (poetry, short story, photography), and post it right here on this blog

Goals:

1. 4.0… ‘nuff said
2. break 3:00 in the 800
3. break 24:00 in the 5K (fall XC, DUH!)
4. break 7:00 in the mile
5. abs that are nice so I can run in my sports bra when it gets über hot
6. win Script Frenzy and NaNoWriMo

Plans:

1. kidnap Sally
2. kidnap Megan Jordan
3. Summer: Internship, work, or Sky Lake

It should be noted that this list is incomplete due to the fact that I couldn’t really get away from my little “fans” (the kids of the family we celebrated New Year’s with) long enough to think of the rest.  And also that I have already broken most of my resolutions… but that isn’t gonna stop me from doing what I have resolved to do anyways!!!  Wish me luck

This one concerns church:

I don’t understand why some people go to church…  People say it feels like some sort of “duty” or that “God wants me to go to church” but that just doesn’t cut it for me.  I think maybe Catholics have these things called “days of Holy Obligation” where they are told they like have to go to church or God will hate them.  But that’s not true.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say “Go to church on Sunday.”  It says to honor the Sabbath, but that is from a Hebrew word meaning “to rest” so I would assume that by that particular commandment, God was saying “take some time off and remember me and what I’ve done for you, sillies,” not “Go to church or I will hate you forever.” In one of those religious calendars with quotes for every day of the year, I read a saying I liked: “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a car garage makes you a car.”  People might say they go to church because that’s where God is (and not knocking them; maybe some people do find God there), but that’s just silly.  God is everywhere, guys!  I find God best when I’m huddled under my blankets in my bed right before I fall asleep, in the woods right after it rains, or when I’m out on a long run alone.  Church, for me, is not about finding God.  Church is a place for fellowship with other Christians;  a place to find a network of friends and believers you can trust to fall back on it you find yourself in a rut; a place to sing out loud without feeling self-conscious (stole that from Angels and Demons but it’s totally true); a place to get free food and eat it with friends (and yes, I’m a Methodist); a place to help out fellow humans in need without needing to go very far; a place where everyone has a place; a place to find the best lyrics and music in the world for free (at least, if you’re in a Methodist church… Charles Wesley really knew what he was doing when he wrote those hymns!); a place for worship.  Worship for me is not about sitting and listening to a sermon for 30 minutes…that’s just boring and basically a waste of my time.  Church for me is about the music and the fellowship.  Another story I liked (this one came from a Reader’s Digest) I really liked involved a church infested with squirrels.  The pastor tried so hard to get them to go away.  He captured them all, brought them to another town, and let them go.  The next Sunday, there they were.  So the preacher, having given them the chance to voluntarily stay away, called the exterminator.  The exterminator got rid of all the squirrels, but the next Sunday, there they were: a bunch of squirrels at the church again!  The preacher was at a loss, until he came up with a brilliant plan.  He baptized and confirmed them, and now he only sees them on Christmas and Easter!  Being a squirrel (also known as a Chreaster, pronounced “kree’-stir”, from Christmas+Easter) is just silly.  Just plain silly.  So yeah, there’s my rant.  Not saying you shouldn’t go to church, just that you should go for the right reasons.

I thought war was supposed to be good for the economy?  So why is America’s economy going to hell in a handbasket?  We are at war with terrorists, are we not?  If not, then what the heck are we doing in Iraq?

Why is it a good thing we are giving the Iraqis “freedom” and “democracy”???  Did they ask for our help?  Aren’t we destroying their culture?
If Americans hadn’t had to fight so hard for our democracy (Revolutionary War, anyone?), we wouldn’t cherish it so much or be so willing to defend it when it is threatened specifically (War of 1812, anyone? Nobody?  Okay, here’s one you might recall: American Civil War?  Yeah I thought so.)

Sorry I know this has all been said before but the tossing of shoes at Bush today brought it back into my head.